Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Crazy That Is My Life

It's been a weird couple weeks here.

If you don't know me, I'm really big into astrology.  I'm not super adept at astrology but I know enough about the movement of the planets and their placement in the sky to be cognisant of how they effect me, at least potentially.  I'm not talking about horoscope crap.  I'm talking about our perception of the movement of the planets from here on earth right freaking now.

Okay, so back to weird times.

In the week leading up to the Full Moon in Scorpio (Monday, May 16-ish), I was having a ton of anxiety.  I mean, a ton!  It all started the prior Sunday, Mother's Day.  Monday and Tuesday found me in a passionate argument with my boss about some projects I was supposed to be highly involved with.  By passionate, I mean I was yelling in his office about some frustrations.  Thankfully, he's super patient and a close friend and didn't seem particularly concerned about my outbursts.  Both times, I was more than a little embarrassed popping off.

The remainder of the week involved some fights with my partner.  Stupid, meaningless arguments, just for the sake of being pissy.  Just stupid.

Everything culminated in the Saturday prior to the full moon.  I had several anxiety attacks during the day.  I have no idea why, but I was sick to my stomach, sweaty palmed, and just super duper anxious.  One after another after another.  I had dinner with friends.  We spent most of the night relaxing, sipping wine, and chatting in the spa after dinner.  Late in the evening something dramatically shifted.  I can't explain it, but the anxiety was gone, whatever was attacking my nervous system vanished.

At the time, several planets (Mercury, Venus, and Mars) were moving from fiery, compulsive Aries into earthy, steadfast Taurus.  The only thing those two have in common is that I wouldn't want to upset either!  Being that Mercury, Venus, and Mars are so close to earth, they tend to have the biggest influence on our day to day lives (Mercury in charge of transmitting information between two or more points, Venus and Mars have more to do with forming and dissolving relationships or connections respectively).

Okay, so what I'm saying is the influences in my life were going from crazy fast to slow and steady.

Have you ever been in a car accident?  Going from 60 mile per hour to 0 fucking hurts.  After impact, your body goes through the whole fight or flight for survival thing.

That's essentially what I was going through.

So around the full moon, the planets were set into their new path and I was feeling really excited about life.  My partner and I began planning some amazing trips, including a two week European tour, for this year.  I was feeling good about life, and felt like I had a lot to look forward to.

We took an early weekend to visit family and friends in Sacramento.  Some old drama got dragged up and between that and getting absolutely no sleep, I felt anxious again.  We went home much earlier than expected, and fortunately made good time. The trip back was nice, and we had some laughs along the way.  As soon as we arrived home, however, my overly adventurous cat Honey made a dive to run outside as the front door was closing.

For the first time in her 8 years, the door closed on her tail.  She ran back in after I opened the door, and she seemed okay, but I quickly found she had a deep cut in her tail.  Without thinking, I got her in a cat carrier and at the vet hospital on the phone.  She still seemed fine and was a patient...um...patient.  Fortunately, all she would need is stitches (I asked them to throw the collar on her since she's a compulsive licker).  No permanent damage.

Still, I felt like the worst person in the world.  In trying to protect my furry baby, I just brought greater harm.

Sunday I couldn't get off the couch.  I just cuddled with my grumpy kitty trying to bring as much comfort as possible, including hand-feeding her water over the collar.  I didn't look at my phone or check my email.  I just kept to myself.

Several days have passed, and I've learned to let go of a lot of things that are out of my control, be thankful for what I have, and say my goodbyes to those things I no longer need to maintain a grip on (especially since I never had a hold of it in the first place).

Honey is doing much better.  We see the vet in a couple days for a checkup.  She's eating a lot, more active, and less depressed.  She was never shy before, but not she's especially demanding about head and neck scratches, since she can't do it herself.  She is thankfully a good climber, but she's still not up to making big jumps.  But she does still spoon with me at night.

I'm starting to feel more relaxed again and looking forward to whatever craziness the future holds (like considering new job prospects, even if I don't actually make the leap).

P.S.  Sorry about the total randomness of this post.  I had sake with dinner and have just downed a couple cups of strong, black coffee.  Plus forgive any typos today.  It's impossible to type and correct proofed errors with a cat in a cone of shame on my arms.  I can never say no to her again.  I've created a mutated monster.

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