Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Where Have I Been?

(Answer: I don't know but here's a picture of a seagull stalking me.)

Obviously my regular updates have been non-existent for the last four months. The last post I was working on was a sentimental letter for my "sister" in honor of her birthday. I never finished it. Her birthday was February 13. Epic fail.

The last several months I've been on the road for work. I had hoped to do more traveling this year, but this isn't quite what I had in mind. I've had mixed feelings about the whole experience. Well, I still have mixed feelings.

This adventure (and that is my understatement for the year) has been chaotic, fast-paced, and relentless. I am lucky if I have one solid day home a week, and that day is usually strained between errands and numerous relationship maintenance activities (couch time with the boyfriend, lunch dates with girlfriends, dinners with family members, etc.). I have had very little time for writing. I have had very little time for any of my goals or personal projects.

When I do have a moment for me, I'm anxious. I'm so wound up and stressed out I can't focus on much of anything. Why on earth to all of my hobbies or enjoyable activities require focus? When I stand still for more than five minutes, it means I'm unconscious. The one weekend where I had no plans SPECIFICALLY SO I WOULD DO NOTHING BUT WRITING? I slept through it. The whole thing. I came home and fell asleep, woke up to eat, and went back to bed (at 7pm). The next morning, exhausted by my morning ritual of drinking a cup of coffee, I went back to bed. I spent a few hours a day awake, breaking up that period of wakefulness between extended cat naps.

Apparently I needed the rest because the week following my downward spiral, everything started coming back into focus. I received a renewed sense of my goals, my ambitions, and my drive to accomplish what I set out to accomplish last year. The directions have altered slightly, but the process is becoming more refined as I stop and re-evaluate the direction I'm headed.

After nearly four months of being on the road, I finally had a week home with my family. I didn't, as usual, accomplish most of the things I set out to do. But I did accomplish some. Today I'm back on the road for another six weeks, and it looks highly likely that this round will be followed by another six weeks immediately after.

I couldn't tell you where I've been; the whole thing has been an unfortunate blur. I can tell you that I won't let myself get lost in the chaos. I have dreams that need fulfilling and a horrible penchant for being impatient about getting what I want.

And it definitely involves more mornings like this one....

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