tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88372873129890456682024-03-04T20:26:18.666-08:00Vanity MirrorA girl reflecting on family, crafting, and life.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-22196858398606832452013-02-13T08:32:00.000-08:002013-02-13T08:32:58.184-08:00A Letter to My SisterDear Sister,<br />
<br />
It's possible in the sea of love you'll undoubtedly receive today, you'll miss this message. That's okay, I know you'll come across it later if not sooner. It's no less true tomorrow than today. In fact, I actually started writing this letter in 2012. Better than never :)<br />
<br />
Even though I may not get to celebrate your special day with you in person, I still honor the fact that you are present in my life. Many moon seasons ago, you came into this world, the first child of the two quirkiest adults (if one could really call them that) I will ever have the pleasure of knowing.<br />
<br />
The first lesson you taught me was to represent myself accurately to the world. I wasn't quite five years old yet like you and all my other peers at La Petite, but I was still closer to five than four. You distinguished me as four and three quarters, and from that moment on I always held myself to be more mature than I was, even to this day.<br />
<br />
The second lesson you taught me was to see the humor in...everything...and not take the world so personally (I'm not sure I'll really ever get this one, but at least it's rattling around in there somewhere). From the first, "Hey, BITCH!" (I can't remember who even started this), I have always and will always remember that remarks that are meant to be offensive aren't always personal, and to choose to laugh where others choose to react with something less enjoyable.<br />
<br />
The third lesson you taught me was to ask for help. There are times I look back regretfully at the scary things I would say to you when I was in my darkest moments. You had the courage to get me help. Even though it angered me at the time, I appreciate it even to this day. I owe every happy memory I have possessed since to your courage. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable and putting up with my shit.<br />
<br />
The fourth lesson you taught me was to make no apology for being me, whoever or whatever that may be in the moment. In my eyes, you will always be a Goddess of freedom, freedom from the judgement of others and freedom from the judgement of self...even though I know you struggle at times, too.<br />
<br />
We both have our own lives now, as I always suspected we would when we were children. I don't get to see you as much as I'd like. I don't get to play with your girls as often as I'd like. And yet I don't feel so far separated from you. I know you'll always be there for me, and I hope you know I am always here for you whatever the real or imagined distance may be. I will always love you, and you will always be my Sister.<br />
<br />
Happy birthday, Debbie.<br />
<br />
<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-74738842398667071582013-01-20T18:33:00.000-08:002013-01-20T18:33:09.965-08:00Under Construction<a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2013/01/opening-scene-2013.html" target="_blank">Ten days ago I made a promise I couldn't keep</a>. That's not to say I won't deliver. I just didn't consider how time consuming it would be. Everything always seems so fleshed out in the realm of the mind, but when you start to make things manifest, you can find a lot of pot holes.<br />
<br />
I spent several hours last week outlining where I wanted to take the series, how I wanted those thoughts organized, how much of my own experiences I should inject, even how many words the blasted posts should be. I had to battle creeping cats, desperate for snuggles as my days before returning to the office grew numbered. Speaking of the devil...<br />
<br />
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It wouldn't be so bad if the cat didn't stretch on top of my arms and then mash her face into my hands and the keyboard while pressing her backside up into my face. <sigh> Anyway....</sigh><br />
<br />
Does that mean I'm giving up? Oh hell no! I have pages of content, but I'm realizing that I need to test out some ideas at least a little while in advance before I can just drop them out into the world. I plan on relaunching the first Sunday of February, but don't hold your breath! I still have some work yet to do. I don't want to start half-cocked (again).<br />
<br />
It's worth mentioning that this blog is one of a personal nature, first and foremost. It will always revolve around me, my life, and my interests, whatever flavor of the week any of those may be. But the only constant in my life is that of self-improvement. Anything I can do, I can do better. I may never achieve perfection, but that doesn't mean I won't aspire for it.<br />
<br />
So while I have a series running once a week (a series which desperately needs a snappy name!) I'll be interspersing personal updates and thoughts just as I have in the past.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-68528060291084159042013-01-10T02:59:00.002-08:002013-01-15T13:29:45.099-08:00Opening Scene: 2013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
As I usually do during the latter half of December, I pondered all the wishful goals my little heart could ponder. The list never changed. Ideals and desires flipped by in my mind's eye like a spinning Rolodex.<br />
<br />
Mostly, I reminisced about the excitement I felt at <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/01/january-goals-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">the beginning of last year</a>. I had just been through <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/10/lost.html" target="_blank">tragedy</a>, then an <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/12/finally-back-and-settling-in.html" target="_blank">adventure</a>. It was like the archetypal hero's quest with the journey (or two) across the mysterious body of water to a place of sacredness. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Campbell#Monomyth" target="_blank">Joseph Campbell</a>, be proud.<br />
<br />
And then my perfectly arranged executables dissolved like sugar cubes in hot water. A project at work came to a head earlier than expected, and so we hit the road sprinting and half-cocked. When the first phase closed, the second phase launched, nearly colliding and overlapping each other if it wasn't for our numerous protests begging for sanity.<br />
<br />
From February through to early September, I spent <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/06/where-have-i-been.html" target="_blank">most of my days on the road</a>, working irregular hours, and staying up much later than I should. Though it was exhausting and unpredictable, I enjoyed the experience. I visited places I wouldn't have seen otherwise and treated to working with people who I technically work for every day, getting to know them, and being enriched because of it. And, despite the tediously long hours, we had a lot of laughs along the way. Most importantly, I loved being out of a cubicle and teaching others, empowering them as much as I was able and as much as they were willing to open their minds.<br />
<br />
But when I started, I had no idea how long I would be on the road. It was months into it before I thought to create positive habits inline with my various goals. In fact, I lost all semblance of control, of will, flung around by the whims of what was thrown at me. I made little effort to even try, I had completely given up, lost sight of my dreams.<br />
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<br />
The<a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/10/burn-out.html" target="_blank"> malady of inertia</a> possessed me for a long while. I didn't even know what I wanted from life as all my goals seemed to contradict each other, even though they had scarcely changed. I had changed. I wanted things I told myself could not be achieved. I tortured myself, convinced there was little, if anything, I could really do nothing to touch my dreams. For months.<br />
<br />
Last week, I decided I had enough of myself. If I wasn't happy with myself, I decided I would change.<br />
<br />
And so, I'm going to start an experiment. For the remainder of the year, I'm going to explore different themes each month, every week a new topic pertaining to that theme. I hope to encourage others to play along in transforming their lives into something more meaningful (to them, at least) and happier.<br />
<br />
January is dedicated to the self, from inside to out, personality to style. I'll be offering questions for self-reflection, ideas for task-setting, and review of the results of previous week's experiments. You can expect posts related to this experiment every Wednesday, excepting the first Wednesday in January and July.<br />
<br />
Each month will be independent of the next, so anyone can jump in at any time. If you decide to participate, I hope you share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, or I invite you to email me by clicking on "View My Complete Profile" to the right, then click "Contact Me".<br />
<br />
Until next time, I wish everyone a happy and successful New Year!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-26714755190746787972012-10-12T15:03:00.001-07:002012-10-12T15:09:34.786-07:00Burn Out<p>I've been here for awhile, in the total burn out zone. The cumulative events of the last high-paced year, combined with the emotionally-charged roller-coaster of events of the prior two years, have left me drained.</p>
<p>I'm even more discombobulated than normal. Stretched thin, disorganized, and attempting to navigate way too many competing responsibilities. I can't remember anything for longer than five minutes. I depend on others to provide frequent reminders or some electronic gadget buzzing at me throughout the day to remind me of anything. Before the last year, I prided myself in maintaining complementary goals toward life growth. It's amazing how a friend can effect so much change in such an indirect way.</p>
<p>Of course, I have lots of ideas about what will make me happy. Being more fit, being more active, living at a slower pace, traveling the world, starting a family, trying new things, "finding my passion" that makes me oodles of money, and so on. But what I really need is space. Space from myself.</p>
<p>In seven weeks to the day, I will get that space. I will be going under the knife to have a benign, but large, tumor removed from the lining of my uterus. I'll have nothing to do but to rest. I'll be out of work on medical leave for six to eight weeks. Maybe longer if I screw up on the whole resting thing and break myself.</p>
<p>If you know me, you know how much I hate surgery. Hate and fear. The idea of sedation makes me wig and the anesthesia makes me feel like I'm dying, and I signed the paper giving some whacko I met 15 minutes prior the OKAY. I'm afraid of going to sleep and not waking up. Or waking up in tremendous amounts of pain. Or waking up confused and disoriented. Or waking up and getting bad news. And I won't be able to remember why or what. A portion of my life will be this big, blank, black hole. </p>
<p>So, yeah. I hate surgery.</p>
<p>Making preparations for it has been like preparing for my untimely demise, well, because that's exactly what I'm doing. I want to make sure Jeff and the Dan are taken care of, that my parents are left shelling out anything on my behalf. Do I really want to be cremated, or should I donate my parts to science? Or to a living human that needs them more than me? Or all of the above? Should my remains be deposited somewhere? Or left with a trusted loved one? Or split up among anyone who wants a piece of me? (Wow, total awesome mental image regarding my creditors! Cut off my dead arm and send it to Chase for me, will you? Sorry...that's a little gross. But it's funny, you have to admit that it's funny....)</p>
<p>At the moment, when I need to unwind I'm riling myself up with old episodes of Dr. 90210 on Netflix streaming. I don't like watching living flesh cut into or noses broken with fancy chisels, but it's getting easier. Like watching it happen to others will make my own experience easier.</p>
<p>But it won't.</p>
<p>I'll put on a smile and keep my cool until those Velcro straps wrap around my arms. Then the shivering will begin. Then the silent tears will stream down my face. Some nurse will make a futile attempt to comfort me while I am completely incapable of communicating.... And then she'll wake me up.</p>
<p>From there, all I can do is wait. Kept overnight to rest, discharged for home in the morning. Exiled to the couch unless I get my shit together to get steps for the bed. And there I will stay. Dependent on someone else watering me, feeding me, making sure I get adequate light, and then little berries will...oh, wait. </p>
<p>It will just be me and my healing (and my super awesome friends who I suckered into babysitting me!). No work. No obligations to others. Just some space. Although I hate the means, I'm looking forward to the end. To the rest. To the quiet. And hopefully a metric fuckton of rain, because I know for a fact that makes me happy.
</p>
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<p>Looking back, it's funny that I dreaded something like my birthday. Perhaps the changes brought by the Autumnal Equinox likewise shifted something in my logic, but I welcome it. A year ago yesterday, on my thirtieth birthday, the terrible loss of my Brother was discovered. He had passed two days earlier, but that didn't change the perceptions and it certainly didn't change the date listed on the certificate of death.</p>
<p>I felt selfish for wanting a day to celebrate my own birth. I simmered in guilt and anger that forever my solar return was tainted in the tragic loss from the Earth. I couldn't reconcile the two and for the two months leading up to my birthday, I wallowed in depression and self-hate.</p>
<p>With my travels slowing down, I lacked the distraction of something fast-paced that I could utterly lose myself to. And yet I lacked the time to connect with those I needed most to keep me grounded and level-headed.</p>
<p>Yesterday morning as I read memorials to my Brother alongside exclamations for my birthday, I cried. I noted the parallel threads to Jeff and he said something along the lines that it sucks that I'll have to deal with that forever.</p>
<p>And then I made a choice. In seconds everything about the way I felt and thought about this day changed, because I decided it needed to. In a moment, self-loathing turned to celebration. I basked in the knowledge that I had the blessing of sharing my day with someone so special. In a moment in time we represent both sides of the coin of life. He would have been pleased knowing that we together kept the momentum of Libra-balance going. It's a little running joke we had going for over ten years and it makes me happy even if no one else understands.</p>
<p>I'm done with the sadness, even though I would much rather have one of his infamous bear hugs. Much rather hear him say, "Happy Birthday, sweetheart," than hear it echoing in my mind. I will relish the memories I have rather than mourn them when I walk by his photograph several times a day. </p>
<p>Peace be with my Brother. And peace be with me.</p>
<p><i>Updated 10/12/2012 to fix BlogPress formatting.</i></p>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-53769787795371552382012-06-12T22:24:00.001-07:002012-06-12T22:24:30.428-07:00Where Have I Been?<br /><br /><center><a href='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/show_photo.php?p=12/06/12/4302.jpg'><img src='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/photos/12/06/12/s_4302.jpg' border='0' width='281' height='210' style='margin:5px'></a></center><br />(Answer: I don't know but here's a picture of a seagull stalking me.)<br /><br />Obviously my regular updates have been non-existent for the last four months. The last post I was working on was a sentimental letter for my "sister" in honor of her birthday. I never finished it. Her birthday was February 13. Epic fail.<br /><br />The last several months I've been on the road for work. I had hoped to do more traveling this year, but this isn't quite what I had in mind. I've had mixed feelings about the whole experience. Well, I still have mixed feelings.<br /><br />This adventure (and that is my understatement for the year) has been chaotic, fast-paced, and relentless. I am lucky if I have one solid day home a week, and that day is usually strained between errands and numerous relationship maintenance activities (couch time with the boyfriend, lunch dates with girlfriends, dinners with family members, etc.). I have had very little time for writing. I have had very little time for any of my goals or personal projects.<br /><br />When I do have a moment for me, I'm anxious. I'm so wound up and stressed out I can't focus on much of anything. Why on earth to all of my hobbies or enjoyable activities require focus? When I stand still for more than five minutes, it means I'm unconscious. The one weekend where I had no plans SPECIFICALLY SO I WOULD DO NOTHING BUT WRITING? I slept through it. The whole thing. I came home and fell asleep, woke up to eat, and went back to bed (at 7pm). The next morning, exhausted by my morning ritual of drinking a cup of coffee, I went back to bed. I spent a few hours a day awake, breaking up that period of wakefulness between extended cat naps. <br /><br />Apparently I needed the rest because the week following my downward spiral, everything started coming back into focus. I received a renewed sense of my goals, my ambitions, and my drive to accomplish what I set out to accomplish last year. The directions have altered slightly, but the process is becoming more refined as I stop and re-evaluate the direction I'm headed.<br /><br />After nearly four months of being on the road, I finally had a week home with my family. I didn't, as usual, accomplish most of the things I set out to do. But I did accomplish some. Today I'm back on the road for another six weeks, and it looks highly likely that this round will be followed by another six weeks immediately after. <br /><br />I couldn't tell you where I've been; the whole thing has been an unfortunate blur. I can tell you that I won't let myself get lost in the chaos. I have dreams that need fulfilling and a horrible penchant for being impatient about getting what I want.<br /><br />And it definitely involves more mornings like this one....<br /><br /><center><a href='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/show_photo.php?p=12/06/12/4303.jpg'><img src='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/photos/12/06/12/s_4303.jpg' border='0' width='281' height='210' style='margin:5px'></a></center><br />- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-45137384733983723382012-02-10T09:59:00.000-08:002012-02-10T09:59:25.666-08:00IndecisionLife certainly is a process, isn't it?<br />
<br />
As I've mentioned, ad nauseum, been doing a lot of "house" cleaning the last few months. As I've been making space to change, opportunities that I feel are in line with my desires and values have been rushing in to fill the space. It's been amazing and overwhelming at the same time.<br />
<br />
It's also been really hard as I let go of things that I love and have loved but no longer fit into my life as well as they once had. From things to people, the experience has been heartbreaking as well as uplifting. If my life had a flavor, it would be "bittersweet." Maybe a little salty, too.<br />
<br />
There are some things I still hold on to that I can't let myself release, even though it would probably be a major benefit to do so. For as much space as I have created, I still crave more. For all the fresh air I've been taking in, I am still suffocating. I have this uncomfortable sense that I am running out of time.<br />
<br />
Among certain friends, there has been a long-standing joke that I am decisive, but when it comes to making major life decisions I hate committing to one path over another. I'm afraid if I choose something, I'll miss something else. As a result, I often miss both completely due to extreme indecision or my experience with either is so full of distractions, I miss it anyway. I've lived a life as though no experience is better than making the wrong choice.<br />
<br />
I'm finally starting to see that in itself is the wrong choice.<br />
<br />
I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I don't know how to go about breaking bad habits and insufferable patterns I can see but seem powerless (unwilling?) to change. I need space but I'm afraid of the emptiness it brings. What would life be like with real change?<br />
<br />
I desperately want things to be different, but in order for that to happen I need to commit to be different.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-44317704277372214982012-01-31T16:59:00.000-08:002012-01-31T16:59:52.298-08:00January ResultsI'm just going to cut to the chase and break it down.<br />
<br />
<u>Lose weight, be slimmer, get stronger.</u><br />
1. Add 30 minutes of activity to every day: Low Success<br />
2. Go on one hike: Success<br />
3. Eat Paleo style more often: Low Success<br />
4. Eat out only once per week: Low Success<br />
Measurement: Lose five pounds. Starting 192. Yesterday (because I forgot this morning) 188, or -4 pounds.<br />
<br />
Thoughts: I *suck* at this stuff. It was an overemotional month for me, and I deal with emotions by eating things I know are bad for my health and bad for my wallet. I cannot help myself. And if you deny me, I turn into a temper-tantrum-throwing-toddler. Really. It's not pretty. And horrendously embarrassing. I've been better the last couple days, but for February I need to change tactics obviously.<br />
<br />
<u>More yoga, more consistently.</u><br />
1. Do 3 sun salutations every morning: High Success<br />
2. Resume hosting classes once per week: Low Success<br />
3. Attend one studio class twice per month: No Success<br />
4. Do at least one private one hour intensive once per week: No Success<br />
<br />
Another big fail for me, except on the sun salutations. I didn't do them every day, but I have done them almost every day. I'm rethinking classes and my reasons for doing yoga; and money hasn't been available for formal classes (see above), so I don't feel too bad about these. I'm doing a little every day and that's better than nothing. I still want to see more improvement.<br />
<br />
<u>Garden more.</u><br />
I'm not even going to list anything because I did NOTHING gardening-wise this month. Jeff did all the hard work. Still I sit on the back porch and fantasize about having a beautiful lush something. Honestly, I kind of just want to plant baby plants rather than start seeds so I might hold off until I have $20 to spend on something ready to go outside. Seedlings are hard to do with kittehs that like to eat the baby greens. Ebil kittehs.<br />
<br />
<u>Explore artistic endeavors.</u><br />
1. Spend 1 to 2 hours everyday writing: High Success<br />
2. Always have a project in hand while watching television: High Success<br />
3. Dance drills: No success<br />
4. Complete 4 short stories: Success<br />
5. Outline 2 potential collections: Success<br />
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I consolidated my "Break out with some fiction" goal here because it made sense. First with the writing, this has gone very, very well. I find if I'm in a rotten mood (which has been often this month) after I've switched gears to writing, it's like I see the world through rose-colored glasses. It's very bipolar (although, I'm not). It's like running, it's hard to be in a bad mood after I've done it. I don't know, but YAY regardless. Yes, I completed 4 stories. Yes, I completed 2 outlines. Yes, I *am* badass. I didn't write every single day, but it doesn't matter, I feel pretty solid about the time I have made and my ability to focus on it. <br />
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Dance drills, see the top goals. Non-existent. Re-evaluating what I want here. Projects with television have been a success. I always keep something in my purse. I'm almost finished with the huge scarf project I took on last year, it's a pity we have late spring-like weather in January. I'm afraid the future owner will have to wait another year before being able to enjoy the beautiful creation. I've been busting my poor little hands to make this NOT the case, but it's the scarf that never ends!<br />
<br />
<u>Reduce clutter.</u><br />
1. Yard sale: Success. HUGE success, even.<br />
2. Follow organizing calendar every day: No Success<br />
3. Freeze purchasing: High Success<br />
<br />
Yard sale helped us get caught up on bills, totally awesome. Jeff has been posting and reposting items that didn't sell (or didn't get picked up) on Craigslist with some success. Every day I find things I no longer need and get rid of them accordingly. Some things are sold, some things are given lovingly to friends who could better use them. Either way it's a constant process. That being said, not worried that I'm not keeping up with the calendar since I'm already self-motivated. It was just a tool to give me ideas, and I haven't needed to use it yet. Purchasing has been good since we don't have money to spend. And when we do, we use it on meals out :(<br />
<br />
There were other items on my list, but they deserve their own post. Hopefully I will be better about posting in February than I was this past month. Writing elsewhere just took me away from here. <br />
<br />
Have you checked in with yourself? Are you being honest about your progress and actions? I'd love to hear how others are coming along!<br />
<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-3932101870499380062012-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:002012-01-20T09:41:12.423-08:00January Mid-Month Update<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">I meant to post this on Monday, but I had a rough couple days, followed by days catching up, and so on. I've been busy whittling away at old stuff more than I've been starting new stuff. There's something about embarking on new projects and directions that seems unnatural when there's old stuff waiting for closure.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">The <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/01/yard-sale-success.html" target="_blank">yard sale was a big part</a> of that push towards tying up loose ends. But I didn't stop there. Nearly every day I evaluate the objects I interact with, especially if the interaction only means moving unused stuff out of the way to get to well used stuff. I wish I had before and after shots of just my medicine cabinet. I cleared out about half of the crap in there one morning getting ready for work (Jeff had ONE personal item in the whole cabinet) and now it's all spacious and pretty. Jeff now has TWO personal items in the cabinet! Hey, that's a 100% increase! LOL</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">So I'm still in purging mode, but I'm trying to decide how to use all the space I'm creating. I want to move things from one room to another, but I'm having trouble finding an arrangement I think will work. Part of me hates to leave a space completely unused, but that's the downside to having too much house, I suppose. I'm mostly thinking with my fingers now, so I'll stop babbling and get on with my check-in!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">The goals I set for this month are covered <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/01/january-goals-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">C</span><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">ategory: </span><b style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Physical</b><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(1) Lose weight, be slimmer, get stronger.</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: I'm down 3 pounds (half way to my 5 pound goal); we went on a brief family hike in Wonder Valley</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: Struggling to get into a consistent habit tracking activity and food through myfitnesspal.com. I try to go back in time and back fill, but it's daunting and time consuming. Now I just try to update when I remember. Also, getting started on exercise is mostly non-existent, aside from yoga. I need to remember that even if I just go for a five minute jog once per week, that five minutes more than I was last week. Changing the diet is going well, but I'm just not satisfied with where I'm at yet.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(2) More yoga, more consistently</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: 3 sun salutations every morning! Boo yah! I've also decided to focus on one specific pose per month. Camel pose!</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: I haven't been able to resume classes due to my personal schedule. Giving this a lot of thought. Also, can't afford studio sessions, just a situational hazard, it will improve with time.January mini actions:</span><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Category: </span><b style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Lifestyle</b><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(1) Garden more</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: Getting Jeff to do garden work!</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: I need to start seeds and dig my hole, probably will do tomorrow as well as some generally maintenance.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(2) Be more active</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" />Successes: making opportunities to get up and get moving rather than making lunch/dinner dates or sitting around watching television.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(3) 2012 Goal: Explore Artistic Endeavors</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: Doing well on the writing, although some days are better than others, I'm maintaining consistency. I've been hammering away at a large commissioned project and I'm getting closer to finishing; changing to shorter needles helped A LOT.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: Dance drills. What dance drills? I'm finding I'm missing bellydance quite a bit so I need to make time for it (and I have plenty of time, I'm just not using it).</span><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(4) 2012 Goal: Reduce clutter</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: I'm so obsessed with this right now. I think once reduction becomes more of a maintenance activity than a major purge, other goals and activities will fall into place.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: nothing, I think this is going swimmingly.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Category: </span><b style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Romance</b><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(1) Spend more time with my sweetheart</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: So far this is going really well. Making an effort to spend more quality time with Jeff makes everything in our relationship run more smoothly. This weekend is our date weekend, but he's letting me have some alone time to focus on some creative projects, but I won't let that consume my entire date weekend with him.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Needs Improvement: I'm </span><span style="line-height: 20px;">harboring</span><span style="line-height: 20px;"> some resentment because I want to stay home all day and work on my home, my projects, and myself, but instead I have to go to a day job and earn a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads and bill collectors at bay. I can't help our situation, I'm doing all I can to earn extra money on the side (plus overtime as needed) and take care of myself so I don't miss too much work from flare-ups, etc. I need to find better outlets for my frustration and stop misdirecting my emotions.</span></span><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Category: </span><b style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Spirituality</b><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(1) Meditate more</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: So far so good, at least 10 minutes a day, usually in the morning.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Needs Improvement: I have had a lot of anxiety all month. I'm having trouble breathing properly all the time and staying focused on one thing at a time. I'm too excited (in the good and bad sense of the word) to sit still most days. I'm hoping regular meditation practice THROUGHOUT the day helps with this. Also, sometimes I find myself jumping around, I have to drop everything and go back and finish the first thing. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(2) Do more spiritual stuff</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: Decluttered the fireplace and mantle and setup a devotional area. I usually do morning prayers after my meditation.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">Needs Improvement: I feel like I should have more to say, but it's kind of a personal category. <br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Category: </span><b style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Career/Education</b><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><u><span style="line-height: 20px;"></span></u><u style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">(5) Break out with some fiction.</u><br style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;" /><span style="line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">Successes: Finished 3 of my 4 short stories. Two of which are edited. I expect to do at least two more stories and create two new outlines (each outline is 4 stories) over the weekend. Yes, I am in fact insane.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">Needs Improvement: I don't have my formula down pat yet. I'm still struggling to meet my minimum word count, but with practice this will improve.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: inherit;">I'm actually really pleased with my progress so far. I wish I would have been better about adding more exercise to the day, but getting in the habit is a muscle-building routine in its own right.</span></div>
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<br /></div>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-84520090194194392982012-01-11T09:26:00.000-08:002012-01-11T09:26:53.006-08:00Yard Sale Success!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This past Saturday was my first ever yard sale! It was fun, but I'm so glad it's over.<br />
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Last week I laid down <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2012/01/january-goals-and-stuff.html" target="_blank">my intended goals for January</a>. Having a yard sale was one item on the list of one-off activities. For a few months, I have been isolating items around the house that I wanted to either give away or sell. The week leading up to the big day, I grew increasingly anxious. Sure, I had collected and grouped things together, but those groups were still scattered throughout the nooks and crannies of my house. All I could think about during my waking hours were all the little bits and pieces I needed to hunt down. I fretted over remembering each teeny, tiny object in my home. It was super exhausting.<br />
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By Tuesday or Wednesday (I forget now which), I informed Jeff that I was going to take a night off from writing and other chores and just focus on getting everything we wanted to sell into the living room. I dumped yarn out of plastic storage bins to collect random objects. We started in our bedroom, taking clothes, boxes, bins, everything out and analyzing what we could. I went to the second closet that held a bunch of my random crap, things I have hoarded for years because they <i>might</i> be cool in a crafting project someday. I went through each box, every bin, I threw away things that needed to be tossed, I put sale items in a plastic tub. The process was a little stressful, but I took care not to make excuses to avoid doing what was necessary. Jeff kept me company and occupied the cats while I kept at it.<br />
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Jeff and the boy had already done the kid's room a few days earlier, so we went ahead and moved it all down. Several trash bags and bins later, the bedroom was done. I went into the third bedroom and decided that the specialty items it contained would need to be handled later; it wouldn't be appropriate to put these things out at a general yard sale.<br />
<br />
We went through the entertainment room, the living room, the "dining" room, and the kitchen. After a couple hours, we were sweaty and covered in dust. <br />
<br />
The evening before the yard sale, we went through the garage and found twice as much crap as we did in the house. <br />
<br />
Every time I moved through a room, I found something else that could be added to the pile. Things that I had kept in the background for years but didn't technically use. There were some items I wasn't ready to get rid of Thursday, but Friday I happily tossed it in the pile. Getting rid of stuff started to become addicting.<br />
<br />
Saturday, we started to setup in the cold dark of a January morning at 6:30. Some asshole with his two pre-teen sons showed up at 6:45 asking about the video games I promised in a craigslist ad. Now I had to stand and keep watch while Jeff did all the lifting and moving. The games were for several systems and spread across a few bins since we <i>still hadn't set up yet</i>. He kept asking me about the games, and I finally told him he would need to wait until we had everything out and setup at 7:00 (you know, when the ad said we would start). He rummaged through the disorganized bins anyway and ended up leaving a few minutes later. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, his high-holy-jerk-headedness didn't set the tone for the day. It was slow and freezing until about 8:00, but Jeff read to me while I knitted a scarf to keep my hands busy in the quiet morning. From about 8:30 to 10:30 there was a ton of activity and we off-loaded most of our stuff. It was nice to have visits from friends to keep our spirits up through the morning. By 11:30 we hadn't had any fresh faces in awhile and loaded up the left-overs into the van. <br />
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We celebrated our success with a Round Table Pizza lunch buffet before depositing our bounty in the bank and heading off to Goodwill. We would have preferred to donate to Disabled American Vets, but we were exhausted and it was farther than we wanted to go. I ran inside Goodwill to see if I could find a nice sweater while Jeff did the donating bit. I came up empty handed out of the store just as he pulled up and parked. Next we hit Target so I could get some liquid eyeliner and Jeff encouraged me to hunt down a sweater. We only found one contestant, a jewel-tone teal that's nice and long and warm without being too drapey like my other sweater. I would have preferred a more neutral color, but this one is nice.<br />
<br />
Anyway, we were pooped and headed home for naps. After long naps and a shower, we headed out to the theater, gift cards in tow, and caught the new Mission Impossible movie. Afterwards, we shared a chicken sandwich at Red Robin, being the only restaurant open at 10pm on a Saturday.<br />
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The house was still in a state of disarray by Sunday, but we picked up what we could and Jeff vacuumed so we could do some yoga with a friend. Through the afternoon, we had a Torchwood marathon while I worked on potential story outlines to carry me through the next month. <br />
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I still walk through the house and find things I don't want or need anymore. I want to get rid of more, so I will be setting up a donation bin somewhere unobtrusive in the house. When it's full we can donate it to DAV or sell more valuable pieces on craigslist. It's a trip to think that I'm still not done purging and reorganizing. Some things will just need a bit more time before I'm ready to let go. <br />
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I generally feel more relaxed in my home. I still see clutter everywhere, but I feel much more prepared to release things than before. Just taking everything off the counter in the bathroom (except for toothbrushes, handsoap, and a vanity mirror) makes getting ready at any time of day a lot less frantic.<br />
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I'm even playing with the idea of ditching the Internet at the house, but that's a blog for another day.<br />
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I'll have my mid-month progress report on my other mini-actions in a few days. I wish everyone success in their endeavors to get 2012 off to a great start!Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-91828517937925631592012-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:002012-01-03T13:18:55.844-08:00January Goals and Stuff<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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Happy New Year 2012!<br />
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Frankly, I could care less about the new calendar year. New opportunities, new starts, setting things in motion, they can be done at any time. Today is better than tomorrow. During the cold winter months, it's typical to start focusing inward, on yourself, on your family, on the things you really want out of life, more than any time of year. So it makes sense to make goals and plans and plot right now. But don't think just because the 1st has come and gone, or because Monday has already happened means that you can't still make a plan. <br />
<br />
I spent the last half of December coming up with a list of goals and some steps I thought would help me get there. The biggest thing I took away from 2011 as far as goal planning was to be specific and to think of steps in terms of something that can be measured. In 2011, my goals were too abstract and while I tagged almost everything just a little bit, I didn't have any marked out to measure my success (or failures).<br />
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I split my goals into 5 categories: Physical, Lifestyle, Spiritual, Career, and Romance. Each category contains goals that span across other categories, as it should. For example, I have a goal to "be more active" under my Lifestyle category. I define that as spending more time moving than I do sitting, at least during my time away from the office. That's still really abstract, so I specified that I want to go hiking at least once a month. This also works for a Physical goal of getting into better shape, a Spiritual goal that gets me out to commune with nature more regularly, and a Romance goal to do more activities with my sweetheart. Booyah!<br />
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Here's my plan for 2012, and the mini actions I plan on doing to get there. Starting with January. I may add or subtract things as time progresses, and they should. Don't feel bad about your plans changing half-way through the game. Sometimes you need to make adjustments for evolution, life changes, and whatever.<br />
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Category: <b>Physical</b><br />
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<u>(1) 2012 Goal: Lose weight, be slimmer, get stronger.</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Add 30 minutes of activity (dancing, walking, gaming, jogging, workout videos, whatever) every day, all at once or spread out throughout the day.<br />
- Go on one hike.<br />
- Make Paleo work lunches, home snacks, and at least 3 dinners. (Exceptions being hosted dinners.)<br />
- Eat out only once per week.<br />
January measurement: -5 pounds (starting 192) or 75% success rate with mini actions. Using myfitnesspal.com to measure activity and weight loss. (Note: I'm not using body measurements because I suck at taking them and I'm not using women's clothing sizes because it doesn't make sense to.)<br />
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<u>(2) 2012 Goal: More yoga, more consistently</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Do 3 sun salutations every morning.<br />
- Resume hosting classes once per week.<br />
- Attend one studio class twice per month (limited finances mean I have to work up on this one).<br />
- Do at least one private (or with sweetheart) one hour intensive once per week.<br />
January measurement: 75% success rate with mini actions. Using <a href="http://myfitnesspal.com/">myfitnesspal.com</a> to measure activity and weight loss. Time made for yoga activity count towards Physical Goal (1). Because I'm cheeky like that.<br />
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Category: <b>Lifestyle</b><br />
<br />
<u>(1) 2012 Goal: Garden more</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Start seeds for yellow onions and golden beets.<br />
- Dig small pit for composting.<br />
- Spend 1 hour weeding and maintaining both yards each week.<br />
January measurement: Completing all mini actions. They're really mini.<br />
<br />
<u>(2) 2012 Goal: Be more active</u><br />
(This is incorporated into every other goal and its mini actions.)<br />
<br />
<u>(3) 2012 Goal: Explore Artistic Endeavors</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Spend 1 to 2 hours every day writing.<br />
- Always have a yarn or creative project in hand when watching television (exception to this would be if cuddling is involved, it's easier to cuddle when you're not poking your sweetheart with pointy sticks, or so I'm told).<br />
- Dance drills at least once a week (see physical goals).<br />
January measurement: complete at least one creative project by end of the month.<br />
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<u>(4) 2012 Goal: Reduce clutter</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Follow <a href="http://www.mysimplerlife.com/2012.htm" target="_blank">MySimplerLife calendar </a>each day.<br />
- Host yard sale.<br />
- Add intended purchases to a wishlist. If after three months I still want or need that item, I can budget its purchase. (Does not include household essentials.) Anything over $50 should be discussed with sweetheart before purchase.<br />
January measurement: Completing all mini actions.<br />
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Category: <b>Romance</b><br />
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<u>(1) 2012 Goal: Spend more time with my sweetheart</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Set aside one weekend just for activities with sweetheart, whatever those are, mundane or romantic.<br />
- Date night once a week (when step-son is over, date night becomes family night).<br />
January measurement: Completing all mini actions.<br />
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(There's more to this category, but it's none of your business!)<br />
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Category: <b>Spirituality</b><br />
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<u>(1) 2012 Goal: Meditate more</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Make 10 minutes every day for meditation. (This can easily be paired with my yoga mini actions.)<br />
January measurement: 75% success rate with mini action.<br />
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<u>(2) 2012 Goal: Do more spiritual stuff</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Declutter fireplace/mantle and make a devotional center.<br />
- Go through "SS" course exercise each week<br />
January measurement: Completing all mini actions.<br />
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Category: <b>Career/Education</b><br />
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<u>(1) 2012 Goal: Take a class in a subject of interest</u><br />
<u>(2) 2012 Goal: Get Cache certification.
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<u>(3) 2012 Goal: Get MS Certification.
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<u>(4) 2012 Goal: Update resume.</u><br />
January mini actions: none<br />
(I have too many things on my plate to get started on these. I may evolve these as the year progresses, but none are super high at the moment. I'm too busy with other, more fun things. Also, while I have no intention of leaving my current position, I don't want to be caught unawares. It's always good to be prepared and to keep your eyes and ears open.)<br />
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<u>(5) 2012 Goal: Break out with some fiction.</u><br />
January mini actions:<br />
- Complete at least 4 short stories (approx 5000 words).<br />
- Outline 2 potential collections.<br />
January measurement: Completing all mini actions.<br />
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Maybe it looks like a lot, maybe it doesn't look like much. At the moment, I'm pretty satisfied with my workload for the month. Most of the mini actions lend themselves to multiple categories I am interested in improving. What's more, I have some measurements that seem, from this standpoint, fairly realistic. If time proves that I am wrong, then I will adjust.<br />
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Another big thing I'm going to look at is how to automate my behavior on some items. For example, I found by leaving my yoga mat in the middle of the living room I would do yoga for at least a few minutes every day. If I put it away, it's easier to forget so I wouldn't do yoga every day. Little things like that. <br />
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I'm also trying to wrap up some projects I have left unfinished. I have three projects for other people in various stages of completion. I'm busting my ass to have those done ASAP, mostly because I don't want those projects sucking up my energy at all (I'm enjoying working on them, but if I try to work on something else, I spend more time feeling guilty about what I have yet to complete).<br />
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In other news, I deleted a bunch of draft posts I had intended to post here. Some of them were relevant at the time and wouldn't make sense to schedule for a post now. Also, I am going to try to put off scheduling posts. I'm probably going to limit myself to two posts a week just to measure progress on my goals, and to chat about...well...whatever I feel is important to me at the moment. We'll see how all that goes!<br />
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Hopefully my extrapolation on goals is helpful to someone. It's important to break things up, make them tangible, and put yourself to it. Remember, you don't need a New Year to start on a New You.<br />
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<b id="internal-source-marker_0.43448775191791356"><br /></b></div>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-38282377778155466072011-12-28T12:25:00.000-08:002011-12-28T12:25:00.738-08:00Since I didn't spend that much during the holidays (a whopping $15 for two 4 by 6 inch picture frames) I didn't break my budget overdoing the peak consumer season. However, my finances are in disrepair from a year of happy spending (house toys, my best friend's wedding, lots of trips and travels all while Jeff was on and off employment status) and so the upcoming year is going to be my big year of saving.<br />
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With a few notable exceptions, I have kept my plans for the upcoming year to a minimum. I wanted maximum flexibility for spontaneous plans with friends or adventures in the wildernesses not too far from home. Now that a new opportunity has sprung up, I'm doubly happy I gave myself plenty of space.<br />
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A pared down calendar is synonymous with less spending for me. This coming year will be a time for me to focus on saving, paying down debt, and taking advantage of my skills and passions to earn extra income for the previous objectives. Sure I have a couple of more elaborate plans during the course of the year, but they may not pan out either. I'm keeping things open to possibilities.<br />
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Fortunately, we received a lot of gift cards to the movies for Christmas so that gives us something to do for free (other than the gas to get to the theater). We also got some Amazon bucks to get some pretty toys or time wasters. I may just use mine for household items that have been on my wishlist for awhile, like curtains for the bedroom or living room; or maybe more jars for canning deliciousness.<br />
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To earn some extra cash, I'm planning on throwing a yard sale in a couple weeks. This means I'll have to buckle down and turn my living space into a chaotic staging area before things can be moved out front. However, it'll be good to go through all our junk and make a bit of extra money. Ten percent of whatever we make will be spent on something fun, another 10% will go into savings, and the remainder will go towards any past due household bills or credit card debt.<br />
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Also, I'm slowly whittling away at my existing commissioned yarn projects. I completely missed my self-imposed deadlines, but I'm closing in on finishing. I will working on smaller projects that I can mass produce easily for sale. I may not get everything up on Etsy before the next holiday season, but I'd like to build some stock to take advantage of the buying season. Income from this will be handled the same way, 10% fun, 10% savings, and the rest to bills. All other crafting time will be focused on making stuff for the debut performance of Piper. With her parentage, she's guaranteed to be the quirky and outrageous show-stopper.<br />
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I won't be pursuing yoga teacher training this year, but I intend on maintaining my once a week class schedule. I may look at offering an additional class at night during the work week, but I'll base this off of demand. Some people asked for bellydancing classes, but this is a big maybe. I'm also playing with the idea of asking a bit more for classes, while offering a "discount card" deal. During the first four months of me opening my home to classes, there were a lot of last minute cancellations. I don't mind this at all, life happens. But I hope by raising a single class price while offering a multi-class card will help encourage attendance and allow me to continue to invest in my own growth and training. All income will go towards my own continuing education with a professional teacher, investing in props for students, and maintaining the space (like paint and carpet cleaner). If I offer bellydancing classes, the income breakdown will work the same.<br />
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I have one more trick up my sleeve, but it hasn't quite panned out yet and I'm not ready to jinx it yet. However, I hope to share more about it soon!<br />
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<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-45073726987439005482011-12-27T10:11:00.000-08:002011-12-27T10:11:11.013-08:00And A Happy Holidays Were Had By AllI had a remarkably peaceful and relaxing Christmas weekend with my family. It's my third Christmas season with Jeff, and we have a pretty comfortable and predictable schedule we've settled into. It involves mostly time with my family, but it's usually pretty low key so it works. <div>
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Although now that we have a program to stick to, I'm entertaining the idea of sneaking off next Christmas and having a quiet retreat instead. </div>
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I know <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-christmas-rebellion.html" target="_blank">I said I wasn't going to do presents</a>, but I ended up doing a couple things for my folks. When we went to Disneyland in November with my family, we had a family photo done at Goofy's Kitchen. My brother, however, decided not to show and was obviously not present in the photo. In an act of stubbornness, my mother refused the photos because he wasn't in it. Knowing my mom (after all, it's where my brother and I inherited our own stubborn, thick heads!), I waited for my parents to leave the restaurant and saved the photos from being doomed to the garbage bin. Surprise, surprise, my mom apparently spent a lot of time a couple weeks later trying to hunt down the photos (they are supposed to make them available online). I spent $15 at Target getting a couple of cheap frames and placed the now framed photos between two relevant cooking magazines (both my parents love to cook) and wrapped with dollar store wrapping paper. One package per parent. </div>
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For my brother, I made up a batch of my popular spicy peanut sauce. I didn't think he'd be interested, but he seemed excited to experiment with it. Maybe I was fooled, but I'm glad he seemed to like it. </div>
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And since I think would be murdered if I didn't share, half of the peanut sauce batch I jarred up for my bestie and her hubby. The last jar will also be gifted to friends. Although these gifts have more to do with my love of sharing rather than the holidays. I would have done it if I made it on a Tuesday night in February. In fact, I'll probably make it again the first week in January. Maybe I should start asking for my jars back. Those things get expensive! Oh well, I digress!</div>
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For the boy we got really simple things. A glow in the dark puzzle. A Lego board game (which technically I bought for myself a year ago, and still haven't used). A Lego R2D2 present which actually never made it to my parents to be unwrapped. A signed picture of Woody and Buzz Lightyear that never made it to the frame or got wrapped (again technically was a present from the Disney Hotel to Jeff for his birthday, but better suited to the boy). We might save the other two presents for his birthday at this point since he isn't going to miss what he doesn't have. He received a few presents from my family and Jeff's family and appeared to be pretty satisfied with the quality of gifts. My mom got him a set of binoculars so we promised him a trip to the mountains or something to use them properly. Just an excuse to get some time outdoors and be active. To all of which I say, YAY!</div>
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Jeff and I received lots of candies and gift cards. Looks like we'll have few excuses to make it out on some dates over the next couple months (we all received ridiculous quantities of movie bucks, so hopefully some good stuff comes out this year!). We have seriously been neglecting date night time and it shows. I'm thinking date night on weeks we don't have the boy and family night on weeks we do. I need some creative, low-cost options and plan on making a list and will share here in a couple months after we have tested some. I'm open to ideas on the cheap if anyone has some to share!</div>
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Monday we all relaxed. I played too many video games in the morning and spent the rest of the afternoon in my office plotting devious...plots. Danny played with some of his new toys and in the evening we helped him build a big Cars Lego set my mom got him. </div>
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So, enough about us! How were your holidays?</div>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-87358280672266575922011-12-23T06:00:00.000-08:002011-12-27T09:41:39.914-08:00Sometimes You Just Need a Break<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Some of you may have noticed, and maybe some of you haven't, but I have been totally blowing you off.<br />
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That's right. I went into hiding. I didn't answer calls or texts. I didn't respond to emails or Facebook Wall posts. <br />
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No, I gave the finger to social activities, thumbed my nose at coffee dates, and generally pooped on invitations to get out of the house.<br />
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Okay, maybe none of that is true, but I definitely have been avoiding making much in the way of plans as the year winds down to a close. <a href="http://www.theminimalistmom.com/2011/12/19/one-simple-thing-slow-down/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+MinimalistMom+%28Minimalist+Mom%29" target="_blank"> The Minimalist Mom reminded me this week</a> of the importance of slowing down and discerning between busy work and productive stuff.<br />
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I needed some me time. I needed some time to initiate some new projects that I'm excited to be sharing with you over the next few weeks. I needed to recommit to myself, my partnership, and my home. I needed to cut out distractions and really focus on the things that matter and let the things that aren't just fade into the past where I can keep the memories fond and the resentment non-existent.<br />
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I miss my friends and my family, but this has so far been time very well spent. I look forward to getting back in touch with everyone after the first, but I might have to make a "life sabbatical" a regular thing throughout the year.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-23713403510249074352011-12-21T06:00:00.000-08:002011-12-21T06:00:05.285-08:00My Christmas RebellionFirst, a great big, bright, happy, and merry Yule to all my friends!<br />
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Yule and Christmas both are about the light returning to the earth. Yule being specifically celestial in nature, Christmas playing to that in the metaphorical sense of the birth of the Christ child. Whatever you believe, may you find warmth among loved ones this week.<br />
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Those of us in the Western world have likely been scurrying to buy or make presents for all our family and friends, stressing out about the tsunami that is our dysfunctional family dynamics, and trying to keep up on day-to-day activities to boot.<br />
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I decided months ago that I wasn't going to participate in present exchanging this year. I might bake or cook to contribute to family feasts, but I wasn't going to purchase or make anything specifically for Christmas. I bought some packages of cards from the dollar store and am writing up cards to give to family and friends we see between now and the New Year with little poems I think they'll like handwritten inside.<br />
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On present buying, I'm broke. I knew a<a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/10/becoming-scrooge.html" target="_blank"> couple months ago the season was going to be hard</a>. I just got back from some serious traveling, there was going to be no way I could responsibly put my money on anything other than essentials. Now, we have been collecting things for the boy for months, but it isn't much and since I'm trying to promote a minimalistic lifestyle (and he spends more time interacting with us than he does playing with toys anyway) he'll have a few small things to open at Christmas. I think when you're 5 the experience is more about opening things than what you end up getting.<br />
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On crafting, I'm behind. After a sudden tragedy in February, I couldn't even look at yarn for months. I go through phases of excitement, but they burn too hot (I always injure my wrists) and too fast (I don't want to look at yarn for weeks at a time). I have one project that is huge, and while I keep making progress on it, the progress is slow (it's thankfully gorgeous though and I hope it's future owner thinks it's worth the wait). Most of my other projects are small, but with all the traveling and hectic stuff there's still only so much I can do. I just didn't want to stress about it.<br />
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I don't like the obligation of gift giving, and after making the decision I wouldn't be participating I feel really positive about the holiday season. I'm looking forward to spending time with our families and relaxing. <br />
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Will I accept presents? Yes, of course. Most of my friends and family are either in the same boat as me or have been duly warned. But for those that decided they still wanted to put forth the effort to think of me and picked up something they think I would enjoy, it seems insulting to turn away their gifts. Perhaps that seems selfish and contradictory, but you try turning someone's gift away and tell me how it works out for you. Personally, I plan on focusing more on offering gifts throughout the year. They're unexpected and random and I think have longer lasting positive effects. <br />
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What did you decide to do for the "gifting" season? Did you make a budget? Did you stick to it?Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-72282449877934240432011-12-19T18:00:00.000-08:002011-12-19T18:03:19.625-08:00A Review of 2011<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's that time of year when everyone stops among the holiday bustle and shopping trips and thinks about where they are headed for the future. We begin to think about the dreaded and hopeless New Year's resolution lists and that gym membership we promised ourselves.<br />
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Last year, I made a long list of goals that I hoped to accomplish throughout 2011, but I didn't really finalize them until March or April. I also broke them down into categories: Physical, Spiritual, Career/Education, Fun, and Other. I spent a great deal of time thinking about them and setting them up. It didn't take long before I forgot about the list completely!<br />
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It was a blogosphere meme that reminded me to go back and look over my beautiful list of lovely aspirations. At first glance, I assumed it was just a list of failures, a reflection of my inability to see anything through. But as I stared at it, I realized that I actually did accomplish some things towards my goals. In fact, I think there were only two items that I actually completely failed at.<br />
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My biggest failing, other than completely forgetting about the list, was making the goals too abstract (even though <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2010/12/gearing-up-for-another-year.html">I really knew better</a>). And whereas I was good about listing my goals at the start of every month, <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/01/january-goals.html">January 2011</a> was the last time I did that. <br />
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A lot of my goals for 2011 will be carried over into 2012. However, I'll be more specific and assign several mini actions to each so I have a way to gradually build up to whatever the goal is and ways of measuring my failures and successes. They'll also be more relevant to each other and that helps make everything a little more successful.<br />
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I'll be detailing more about this over the next two weeks. You'll probably want to stab me or something before 2012 even gets here.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-90305971278088410082011-12-15T08:12:00.000-08:002011-12-15T08:12:57.278-08:00Finally Back and Settling In<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been neglectful in my blog posting duties! Sorry folks!<br />
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Well, I'm finally back from my travels and ready to get back into the swing of things. There's so much to say and do! I'm not even sure where I left off! <br />
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There are several future posts I have in the works. Lots of announcements to make in the next several weeks. But all good things in time, right?<br />
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I have to say, Great Britain was amazing! The land was gorgeous, the buildings beautiful, the people pleasant, and the food and drink were spectacular (I developed an addiction to steak and ale pie). While it's good to be home, I wish home was there. <br />
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I think my favorite place was definitely South/Southeast Wales. Pictured above is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tintern_Abbey">Tintern Abbey</a>. I had the good fortune to spend several hours milling about there. When we left to make the trek to Manchester, England the area around the abbey revealed everything I expected from the UK. It matched the image I had created and held in my mind for so many years. I hope my next visit affords me significantly more time in this area. <br />
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I have tons of photos from my trip. I took something like 1,318 pictures and kept 896 of them. Most of my pictures are of buildings because I simply love Gothic architecture, but if <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dsdiviny/collections/72157628243942511/">you fancy a time sink you can help yourself to them</a>. <br />
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When I got home, I didn't have any time for rest. I got a couple hours of sleep and hurried off to work. My first week home was kind of a whirlwind and I spent most of my first weekend home catching up on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Elder-Scrolls-V-Skyrim-Xbox-360/dp/B004HYK956">Skyrim </a>to the exclusion of everything else I probably should have been doing with my time. My cats didn't mind. It meant I was stationary long enough to provide much needed comfort through lap-time to sooth their lonely cat selves.<br />
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Now I'm gearing up for the holidays and some new projects that should keep me busy for awhile. I'm also looking back over the last year to check my progress on the goals and projects I set in motion last year. You know, because that's what you do this time of year. Reflect and stuff.<br />
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<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-73232519079880819702011-11-08T08:23:00.000-08:002011-11-08T08:23:38.996-08:00Resuming Whatever Resembles Normalcy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Things are finally starting to calm down, or (at least) take on an air that is more relaxing in nature than stressful or painful. Last week, after a cathartic Halloween (Samhain) weekend, I finally started to feel a bit more like me. I was still running around like a crazy woman, but it still felt better than before.</div>
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Over the past weekend, I attended the VA's Wall of Honor ceremony in which my late friend was honored with a plaque among over 270 honorees. Although it was freezing (and Brother, I think we're even now!), the ceremony was pleasant and moving. They released doves and after the lot of them flew towards the south-west, one straggler was late getting started. We all giggled that it was Chris, and it is this dove pictured above.</div>
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Although the ceremony was brief, it was good to leave and then visit with some friends during an impromptu Thanksgiving get together. It was relaxing, the food was amazing, and nothing rivals the company. It was good to be with friends.</div>
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Sunday was spent with my friend who is leaving the country tomorrow. Despite the fact that I needed to be at work at an ungodly hour the following morning, we stayed up late chatting, like we do. Even though I will see her in a couple weeks when I visit to put Chris to rest, it's the long months that will follow without her present company that I dread. I want her to be happy and to chase her dreams, but I selfishly want her to stay. At the same time, I'm worried when I visit I won't want to leave. </div>
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And with that, I'm gearing up for my first real international trip. I've been to Mexico before through a cruise trip, but being on shore for a couple hours doesn't really count. At the time, I was much more interested in the sea than the country. I'm anxious about having enough money since the GBP and euro exchange rate isn't favorable to me, but I think even if I had tens of thousands of dollars in play money I would still be stressed. I know everything will work out and I need not worry, but if I didn't worry I don't know how I'd fill all my spare time! I'm getting more and more excited about it, and with that more and more nervous about it. I've seen so many pictures of the country, but actually being there will likely be extremely overwhelming to me. I'm glad I'll be with close company. Money is the excuse I'm using to mask my real fears of the journey although I am having trouble identifying what those specific fears are.</div>
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In other news, I'm feeling more committed to physical exercise. I want to build up my strength and lose a couple pounds before the trip. I have yet to actually DO anything, but I'm more conscious of it and hope to get something in before I leave. </div>
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I also sent an inquiry off to a Iyengar training studio in San Francisco. Unfortunately, they want aspiring teachers to have at least two years studying with an Iyengar instructor before applying. Even though Iyengar has always been the form I have wanted to advance in my study of yoga, it's been only recently that I have found a local Iyengar teacher. So that is all up in the air still while I think about it further. On the same note, a former co-worker is opening up a yoga studio this weekend and I was invited to attend the opening party. It might be a good opportunity for me to make some more connections and have a potential outlet for student teaching and substituting. I have no expectations, but I plan to go with an open mind and see how things play out.</div>
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This week will be busy, but in a pleasant way. I'll need to start making checklists for my trip, and getting things in order before I leave. </div>
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Until next time!</div>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-46583137818334865152011-10-26T15:21:00.000-07:002011-10-26T15:23:49.959-07:00Becoming the Scrooge<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJY10sGsSVxPRZfXaj6qM9FWr4hwgbtC5cJ7sTbDIS_YYmI4NFc4hqoRJyNxAZVn82ptNXOulegdq2_OVV8D00altd9fh-4rx07YQ2oB_fONyALXmYAuo1JrVpTIb9_QXd59mLIWVIHafn/s1600/capitalism.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJY10sGsSVxPRZfXaj6qM9FWr4hwgbtC5cJ7sTbDIS_YYmI4NFc4hqoRJyNxAZVn82ptNXOulegdq2_OVV8D00altd9fh-4rx07YQ2oB_fONyALXmYAuo1JrVpTIb9_QXd59mLIWVIHafn/s1600/capitalism.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Or sometimes just maims.</td></tr>
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I haven't been a very good girl lately. With my money at least. <a href="http://vanity-mirror.blogspot.com/2011/05/getting-financially-fit.html">Last May I got incredibly ambitious</a> and sought to overhaul my spending habits, dramatically annihilate my debt, and be more conscious consumer.</div>
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Well...I have had good moments here...and bad moments. In the last month, there have been a lot of unexpected circumstances. My eating out bill (which was always ridiculous) has been very reasonable. However, I have been losing a lot of pay due to organizational bits, running errands, grieving, and stress-induced illness all related to a single event (shouldn't really be hard for you to figure out if you look back one or two blog posts). I've just missed a lot of work. I've tried to make up time when I can, or do as much overtime as I can handle, but I took a big hit and I'm going to take on more in the next month. </div>
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Let me be clear: I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Except the getting sick part. I am SO freaking sick of hacking all the time. Everything I have done is out of love and necessity. I am not upset; it was my personal choices that brought me here. </div>
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The above coupled with the fact that my partner was unemployed for several months until about a month ago means that we were already up against the wall as far as finances went. Our television died, and I had to apply for a credit card in order to purchase a new one. I want to take my friend to his final resting place, and I had to apply for a credit card to subsidize the trip. I didn't have to apply for credit cards, I chose to. I decided that having a television and making an international trip were important to me. I will pay for those decisions accordingly.</div>
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The upside is that by the end of this week we should finally be current on all our household bills. Huge sigh of relief there. Unfortunately, I'll have to be a bit late on a couple bills so I can make sure I have enough cash liquid in case something happens while I am abroad. The potential interest or late fee is well worth the peace of mind if nothing happens.</div>
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It's weird to be in this place again. It has me extremely stressed out and worrying about unknown possibilities (like the other night the kitchen faucet leaked badly and soaked the particle board of the cabinet underneath). I don't know if bad things really always happen when I am financially inflexible or if things don't seem like a big deal when I can easily pay for them. Probably a little from both columns.</div>
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The next few weeks in particular will be tight so that I can do the things I want to do. After that, I'm going to really have to pare down for 2012. It's going to get all kinds of minimalistic after the new year! I'm going to need to find ways of bringing in additional income so I can pay things down faster and have a little bit of play money. I really want to get serious again about saving money and paying off debt before I reach a point where I really start to default on loans or lose my house or get sent to collections.</div>
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I am not in dire straights, I'm really okay. We can put food on the table, gas in our cars, and we're not so behind that any terrible things are happening to us. I'm just <b>very, very afraid of terrible things happening to us</b>. I absolutely, positively do not want to get to that point. I want to be smart, spend smart, and make my money work for me rather than scrambling to work for money because that is no fun!</div>
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No, this is a wake up call. I want to be able to be generous with my money rather than be the scrooge. I want to redevelop that desire for simplicity rather than spend for the sake of acquiring more. Seriously, I hate dusting and more stuff means more dusting! I want to be more flexible, and I can't do that if I'm indebted and drowning in stuff. Gods, let me just get through the next month and a half!</div>
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<i>PS: The photo above is an original photo I took downtown while playing with my photography skills. </i></div>Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-85719579645724514542011-10-24T09:04:00.000-07:002011-10-24T09:04:15.779-07:00Let's Be HonestI am not handling things well. I'm barely sleeping. My work ethic is suffering. Every part of my body is revolting against every waking hour. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm sad, and I really wants the headaches to go away.<br />
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When you're not looking, I'm falling to pieces. When all the doors are closed and no windows betray me, I cry in silence. I grasp onto things made of light to give me something to be cheerful about, and they turn to dust in my hands.<br />
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Nothing is permanent, consciousness is an illusion. I know these feelings will pass. Wounds will heal. Anger will subside. The problem with living in the present is not knowing when the darkness will pass; knowing that the darkness will pass is not enough when you're in pain. I know I'm being dramatic, but this is how I am feeling. <br />
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When you ask me how I'm doing, I'm probably going to lie. I will tell you "I'm fine" or "I'm doing okay." Maybe I'll rattle off some insignificant minutiae or question to distract from the subject. Don't read this and then push me into telling you how I'm <i><b>really </b></i>doing. If I <i>need</i> to talk, I will most certainly let you know in a <u>direct and obvious manner</u>. I need to move on, live on, and if I have to "fake it to make it" until I can properly bumble along, then I ask you to please humor me. If I'm distracted, I don't need to be reminded. I don't need to be mothered, I already have one of those and that's quite enough. At the same time, I don't need you to protect me from the big, scary world. Despite my physical stature, I assure you that I'm a grown up and quite capable of making my own decisions about what I can and can't handle. I promise I will let you know when I can't handle something in a <u>direct and obvious manner</u>.<br />
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Having dispensed with all of that melodramatic bullshit, I <i> am trying</i>. Other than a few days of forced isolation due to an unrelenting migraine, I've been trying to spend time with close friends. I have found renewed interest in cleaning out a bunch of my useless stuff in order to beckon fresh energy for new opportunities into my life. I have been trying to get in a few hours of extra work to catch up on so many of the projects that have been left behind due to my absence or the eternally changing priority list not according to me. I've also been trying to mentally prepare for my upcoming journey to the United Kingdom that I am very much looking forward to (despite the initiating circumstances). <br />
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I still don't know what I want to do with myself in a greater sense. For the moment, I'm resigned to the possibility I may never <i style="font-weight: bold;">know</i>. I'm more concerned with what I am doing <i style="font-weight: bold;">right now</i>. That meant this past weekend I suffered from a lot of restlessness. I wanted to spend some time reading and in meditation, but there was too much commotion and chaos and movement in the house. I wanted stillness, couldn't find it and so busied myself finishing up several knitting projects (I've been a knitting machine the last couple weeks).<br />
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Nothing is permanent. Change is the only constant. Things will get better. Things will get worse. The unknown will manifest, and then it will fade. I'm a worrier. I stress out and make contingency plans. I dwell on the what-ifs, and I let my anger get the best of me. On the same coin, I am hopelessly and ridiculously optimistic. I don't let the little things consume or dissuade me. I am passionate and focused. And even when the ground is bloodied and all seems lost, the sun dawns again giving life to a new day, new opportunities, and the chance to leave behind the dark...if even for a moment.<br />
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And I live and love.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-61163661062057747512011-10-07T07:45:00.000-07:002011-10-07T07:45:48.552-07:00ReleaseLast night I went to a friend's house to go through some of my brother's things. A couple days ago, I felt odd going through some personal items, trying to choose some trinket of his to hold on to. Even then a close friend had to encourage me to take something home with me. Last night, I was completely objective, deciding on an entire bin that would require closer examination than I had energy for. It's mostly books, duplicates of items I already have, but there are notes and the like that need review. It was strange in that I didn't feel overwhelmed by so much emotion as I had expected. I felt guilty about that.<br />
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When we were done, I sat on my friend's porch thinking about that feeling. Why wasn't I more sad? Why wasn't I reacting much at all to this? The events of the past two weeks are still very unreal to me. It's like my brother has moved long distance, and I won't be seeing him for a while. I believe firmly in reincarnation and I believe that those I have close ties to have been with me before or will be with me again. I suppose it's desperately cliche but it does bring real comfort to me. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him terribly, but this feels, at my core, to be a temporary situation.<br />
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When I got home, I took a long, hot shower. For the first time in weeks I felt eerily calm. I felt the stress and anger and sadness release from my body. And all I could do was smile. I didn't feel any guilt or sadness, just the release and I allowed myself to melt into the sensation. <br />
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At the same time, my future still feels dark. Not dark in a doomsday, foreboding way, but as if I just walked into a room and need to turn on the light. Whereas earlier this week I felt anxious and panicked about what would unfold, I now feel curious. I don't know what the future brings, but I'm returning to a contentedness about letting it unfold around me. I don't always need to have a direction to move forward. I don't always need an end-goal to pursue my happiness or to feel like I'm growing. I simply need to live in whatever way I find most fulfilling. Perhaps I may at times have some path I must dedicate myself to, perhaps I may not. Maybe I will change my mind, over and over again. I'm allowed to do that, as long as I love how I'm living, it doesn't matter.<br />
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I need to exist here, in the present. Not dwell in the past or a wishful or unlikely future. Right now is what is important and the only time when I can really effect change in my life. I know there are bad days ahead, they cannot be avoided, but there are good days on the horizon too, with good people, and fabulous new memories yet to be formed. So for now, I remain hopeful.Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-23471074359116041512011-10-04T08:57:00.000-07:002011-10-04T08:57:50.296-07:00LostThere's no way around it: I am lost.<br />
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A few short hours after my upbeat birthday post, I was rocked off my high. My close friend--who was more a brother to me--was dead.<br />
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A week and two days have since passed and it's still as unreal as the first time I heard the words, "He's gone."<br />
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I am no stranger to death and loss. I've lost many close friends in my short lifetime. This past year alone I lost my grandfather, an aunt, and my unborn child. And now, my brother. Lost and in despair barely covers how I feel.<br />
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I keep waiting to hear the, "Come here, sweetheart," and looking up to see his open arms and gentle smile beckoning me to fall to pieces against his chest. I'm still waiting for the revelation that it's just a terrible joke, that somewhere all is well and we'll be laughing about this over beers and mead by nightfall. <br />
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It will be longer than nightfall. It may never be in this lifetime. And I miss my brother hopelessly.<br />
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I am so lost. I had a plan or plans before. Now life just feels empty. Many of my closest friends (including my brother) have ambitions to take them elsewhere around the global. A friend who seems rooted has been too preoccupied for months with her own ambitions and goals and has left very little room for me. Understand that I fault no one. I always have my eye on something, some motivating force giving me direction and a sense of purpose, propelling me toward some end result that will supposedly make me happier, more fulfilled, more full of life. I once was too busy, but now I can't seem to stay busy enough.<br />
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Now I don't know. Through spring and summer I felt excited about the future. I had ideas and plans (malleable plans) and so much to look forward to. And one by one each thing has fallen from my grasp. So much hard work, so much sacrifice, so much lost. I believe in hard work, but can I have some kind of pay off? <br />
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I have never trusted people to stick around. People come and go, often in tragic ways. I suppose that's just life. The loss of my brother just brings to light how much the landscape is changing or will change, my true lack of direction, and my utter exhaustion trying to keep one foot moving in front of the other for the simple sake of some kind of movement.<br />
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My brother left behind an amazing legacy and sea of people connected with love. I am very honored to be a minute part of that. I was worried that he had left so many desires unfulfilled, but after speaking with his family, I now know he really found himself in recent years. His loss magnifies the reality that I have no idea what I want, or what I do want is overwhelmingly complicated to achieve and I don't know that I have the strength to pursue my desires.<br />
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Perhaps everything is still too raw. There are still some loose strings to tie up, but I'm trying to go back to life. After all, I have to go on living. It is ultimately up to me to decide what to do with the time I have left. I just don't know what to do with it.<br />
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<br />Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-55430138388863664522011-09-25T07:01:00.000-07:002011-09-25T07:01:50.592-07:00Goodbye 20s!I don't mean the roaring 1920s that came to an abrupt halt when the Stock Market crashed in 1929. Nor am I referring to the 2020s, because it hasn't happened yet obviously. I mean *MY* 20s.<br />
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Today is my 30th birthday!<br />
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Turning 30 usually marks the time when your youth is gone and the ingress into adulthood truly begins. One is generally becoming established in...well...something. Some might accept the fact that some life dreams are just not going to manifest for them, while others take a drastic turn trying to knock as many things off their Bucket List as possible.<br />
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I am at a crossroads. I have a few different paths I want to take myself in, and I know some of them will intersect, but not all. It's more than a little frustrating. Of course, it's not absolutely necessary to decide now, but I don't want to let some fabulous opportunities pass me by due to indecision. It's that latter possibility that has me the most concerned. But I digress.<br />
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I'm actually happy to see my 20s disappear into the abyss. My 20s, overall, were terrible. I spent more time trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be or wanted me to do than I did being true to myself and my dreams. I mistook it all for sacrifice necessary for growth. But I didn't grow, at least, not as in many positive ways as I would have expected. I've done more of that in the last year than in the last 10.<br />
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No, I'm really looking forward to my 30s. I no longer care if people take me seriously, I hardly do at times so why should I expect more from them? But if I don't at least have someone's respect, then I move on. I'm not going to waste my time proving or defending myself. I have many accomplishments that reflect me well enough and I try to live my life with respect and compassion. Eventually, people see that without much interaction. Those who don't will entertain themselves for a time coming up with weird theories, I suppose. Whatever makes you giddy.<br />
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I have lots of ideas for the future, and I'm so looking forward to seeing how some of them pan out...if at all. I'm trying to remain open to the possibilities the universe presents and allow myself to take unexpected paths. <br />
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I really don't mind getting older. As long as I take care of myself, surround myself with people I love and whom love me in return, work hard, play harder, and be absolutely present in today, I think I'm pretty solid until the day I pass from this world to the next. <br />
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But...I think I'll start off my initiation into real "adulthood" by reverting into childhood for a few days.<br />
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Because it's my fucking birthday and I'm a princess, and I can do whatever the hell I want!<br />
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Teehee!<br />
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<3 MicaMicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-81202274982500406822011-09-23T15:00:00.000-07:002011-09-23T15:00:30.697-07:00Autumn EquinoxThe autumn equinox is usually when my fellow Fresno residents behind to anxiously look forward to the cooler weather that fall is supposed to bring. In about a week, we will have a taste of the dipping temperatures before it shoots up again to early summer standards in October. It's annoying, but it happens every year. By the end of October, I'll hear many friends complain about how it's "too cold" while others scramble to cover mouths of naysayers for fear of cursing the area with summer temperatures prematurely.<div>
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I'm pretty anxious for the chillier temps, myself. I absolutely love the fall, followed closely in favoritism by winter. Autumn inspires me. When everyone is making their New Year's resolutions, I'm usually three months into mine and halfway through the uphill battle. Most of the opportunities I manifest through the year are due to the seeds I plant in the fall, sometimes consciously, sometimes not.</div>
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This is that time of year when I really need to create. I love to start new projects (which I am much better about finishing...eventually), learn new skills, and get myself in over my head so that I have to spend the first part of the following year paring a few things down to just the things I really love. When most people are getting ready to hibernate, I'm out in the world trying to connect with others.</div>
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I'm not crazy, by the way. The Autumn Equinox--which means equal (equi) night (nox)--is also known as Harvest Home and is the second Celtic harvest festival of the year (modern Pagans began referring to it as Mabon in the 1970s to disassociate it from present day Christianized festivals). It's akin to America's Thanksgiving celebration. In fact, the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thanksgiving">Europeans are responsible for bringing their celebrations of Thanksgiving to America</a>, despite the fantastical pilgrim tales American school children are still told.</div>
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Autumn Equinox also marks the time when the sun moves into the constellation of Libra, the zodiac sign known for socialability, the pursuit of happiness, and purveyor of all things beautiful and aesthetically pleasing (to her, at least). I'm an astrology nut, so blending this fact with the act of the harvest makes the idea of the Autumn Equinox the more suitable time for Thanksgiving in my opinion. I'm sure if you look up your local community events during the month of September, you will find many equivalents of harvest festivals.</div>
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For many years, I would get together with close friends around the time of the Autumn Equinox. We would cook a traditional American Thanksgiving meal with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, pies, and so on. Before consuming our meal, we would all take turns saying something (or several somethings) about which we were thankful. </div>
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Sadly, we haven't been able to get together in a couple years due to many scheduling conflicts. All the same, I always have a list ready of the things for which I have immense thanks.</div>
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Every year, I look outside of myself and express my thanks for people, places, and things in my universe. My family, friends, and cats are always at the top of my list, but this year, I'm going to turn on selfish mode and give thanks to me.</div>
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I'm thankful for the inner strength that I have cultivated that allows me to excel rather than just survive.</div>
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I am thankful for the wisdom I am gradually developing that helps me speak and act in compassion...most days.</div>
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I am thankful for my ability to be discerning about what truly serves my purpose and my life and what simply does not. To take that a step further, my ability to then take appropriate (and hopefully compassionate) action in the necessary direction.</div>
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If you want to know a bit more about us crazy Libra's, <a href="http://www.mollysastrology.com/astrology-tutorials/libra">Molly's Astrology has an excellent write up</a> on the subject. Or you can peruse <a href="http://austincoppock.com/2011/02/valentines-astrology-horoscope/">Austin Coppock's more sardonic descriptions</a> (I adore his weekly columns).</div>
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More information on what the<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equinox"> equinox is celestially</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mabon_(Wicca)#Autumnal_Equinox">modern Pagan holidays including "Mabon"</a>, and various cultural Harvest festivals in the English-speaking world<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvest_festival">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvest_festival</a> at Wikipedia.</div>
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What are you thankful this year? What traditions (mundane, religious, or otherwise) does your family employ this time of year?</div>
Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8837287312989045668.post-75127060157580951832011-09-19T19:48:00.000-07:002011-09-19T19:48:36.760-07:00A Doozy of a WeekWow! Where the heck did I go? Well, I've been here, thinking about all of you. I've been pretty focused on work the last couple weeks, a few big projects coming into production all at about the same time. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.<br />
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Last week marked my fourth week on a <a href="http://www.marksdailyapple.com/primal-blueprint-101/">Primal/Paleo diet</a>. This was the hardest week. I wanted toast, garlic bread, tortillas, and noodles. The first half of my week was full of falters in a time that I was hoping to knuckle down on such things. I tried not to beat myself up too much. At the end of the week, I lost another pound. <br />
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Aside from the weight loss, I feel better overall. I don't have the afternoon crashes and I haven't had any episodes caused by having low blood sugar. If I'm hungry, I acknowledge it and then I ignore it. When I'm ready to eat my next meal, I'm hungry but I'm much less likely binge or overeat. I feel satiated sooner. Overall, I'm really satisfied with how I feel. I'm going to continue attempting to lower my number of lapses.<br />
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Tuesday I went to the <a href="http://www.ccwc-fresno.org/">Central California Women's Conference</a> with my mom. Geena Davis was the keynote speaker at lunch and seeing her was pretty cool. Unfortunately, she was so far away I had to watch her on a screen, so it wasn't like she was really there. Nevertheless, she was very entertaining and I had fun hanging out with my mom. But my mom and I both agreed that the conference lacked much in the way of substance. I felt more like I was part of a live studio audience for an infomercial than a participant in a movement to give women better tools to succeed in today's world. Pretty words won't do it, folks. Over-used cliches and catchy phases (which weren't even original to the authors hawking them) began to put me to sleep about 15 minutes into the conference. My mom's best idea of the day: play hooky and get margaritas! I think we both had a good time hanging out together, and that's all that matters at the end of the day.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSAhtlLJhNuljPiFKxMp7MATUOEF_k49H4FQzAjw-PQwtYSZwuZ7YeKosjsA-Cky8dPY75PA6Oc7SjZvQUT1gMHNlEhSqf_n3HgE3hXr3VKsG46V85Rv6v_Qeh6yjkDFtnDH-pKEWgMfTm/s1600/margarita.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSAhtlLJhNuljPiFKxMp7MATUOEF_k49H4FQzAjw-PQwtYSZwuZ7YeKosjsA-Cky8dPY75PA6Oc7SjZvQUT1gMHNlEhSqf_n3HgE3hXr3VKsG46V85Rv6v_Qeh6yjkDFtnDH-pKEWgMfTm/s320/margarita.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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The following day my back was torn up. I slept like the dead (from 7:30 pm Tuesday until 4:30 am Wednesday) and had been in the same position all night. I went to work anyway and the pain would get better in the late morning and then get substantially worse in the afternoon. I ended up just staying home Friday to give my muscles proper rest. That helped, but I ended up pulling things again going into flight or fight mode several times through the course of Saturday night and Sunday morning due to a family emergency (everything is fine now, or will be soon enough). <br />
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Saturday I had the opportunity to volunteer for <a href="http://www.valleypagan.com/">Central Valley's Pagan Pride Day</a>. I sadly didn't get to see any of the presenters due to schedule conflicts, but I did get to meet some amazing people, enjoy some great company, and see old friends. The day was flawless and simply wonderful. I'd especially like to thank a little boy named Edison for helping me so much at the Information Booth. We both made each other's day a bit brighter. There's a lot of potential in the community right now for more events and bigger festivals. I'm excited to see how it blooms.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirEMCwuW7aT5kzrCiemPMoWGpuGQ3_f_suojigi_yLGCSPKuvqFCfdYXUSx5iOM1VzdEJKjOVXU4jWDqnyb7BmcHp9gI0WmgjrFlcTV4ubeXLNlulnI6bd09FddcsnHmiHknCDlH3SBg52/s1600/valleypagan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirEMCwuW7aT5kzrCiemPMoWGpuGQ3_f_suojigi_yLGCSPKuvqFCfdYXUSx5iOM1VzdEJKjOVXU4jWDqnyb7BmcHp9gI0WmgjrFlcTV4ubeXLNlulnI6bd09FddcsnHmiHknCDlH3SBg52/s320/valleypagan.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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During the course of the day a couple people expressed interest in my yoga classes and a couple others suggested I teach bellydancing. I'm absolutely elated and feel honored that they think I'm good enough of a dancer for such, but I don't know that I'm quite there yet. Maybe, like with my yoga practice, adding bellydancing would help motivate and challenge me. I don't know yet, but I'm seriously considering my options.<br />
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This coming week is going to be an interesting one. My mom's birthday on Tuesday, and then mine on Sunday, and then my dad's a couple days later. I'm going to look over the list of goals I made up sometime last year and see how I did and what needs to be adjusted.<br />
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No. Scratch that. I'm going to start fresh. I'm going to make a list of goals, add steps I think will bring me closer to that goal, and throw in a list of projects (household or otherwise) I want to take on in the coming year. <br />
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Or maybe I will just supplement last year's list, afterall. I think it will make a nice reminder of what I have accomplished over the last year. I'm sorry, is my indecisive Libraness hurting your head, too? <br />
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Anyway, it should be interesting. Even with the work and family crazies, I plan to make plenty of time to be introspective and think about where I want to take myself.<br />
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I hope your week is a happy one. And don't forget, fall officially starts on Friday! YAY!<br />
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P.S. Lookie! I added photos! Aren't you proud?? And they are MY photos! That I took with my very own camera! Enjoy it, because you know it won't last!Micahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16814742729339010689noreply@blogger.com0