Lost

There's no way around it: I am lost.

A few short hours after my upbeat birthday post, I was rocked off my high.  My close friend--who was more a brother to me--was dead.

A week and two days have since passed and it's still as unreal as the first time I heard the words, "He's gone."

I am no stranger to death and loss.  I've lost many close friends in my short lifetime.  This past year alone I lost my grandfather, an aunt, and my unborn child.  And now, my brother.  Lost and in despair barely covers how I feel.

I keep waiting to hear the, "Come here, sweetheart," and looking up to see his open arms and gentle smile beckoning me to fall to pieces against his chest.  I'm still waiting for the revelation that it's just a terrible joke, that somewhere all is well and we'll be laughing about this over beers and mead by nightfall.

It will be longer than nightfall.  It may never be in this lifetime.  And I miss my brother hopelessly.

I am so lost.  I had a plan or plans before.  Now life just feels empty.  Many of my closest friends (including my brother) have ambitions to take them elsewhere around the global.  A friend who seems rooted has been too preoccupied for months with her own ambitions and goals and has left very little room for me.  Understand that I fault no one.  I always have my eye on something, some motivating force giving me direction and a sense of purpose, propelling me toward some end result that will supposedly make me happier, more fulfilled, more full of life. I once was too busy, but now I can't seem to stay busy enough.

Now I don't know.  Through spring and summer I felt excited about the future.  I had ideas and plans (malleable plans) and so much to look forward to.  And one by one each thing has fallen from my grasp.  So much hard work, so much sacrifice, so much lost.  I believe in hard work, but can I have some kind of pay off?

I have never trusted people to stick around.  People come and go, often in tragic ways.  I suppose that's just life.  The loss of my brother just brings to light how much the landscape is changing or will change, my true lack of direction, and my utter exhaustion trying to keep one foot moving in front of the other for the simple sake of some kind of movement.

My brother left behind an amazing legacy and sea of people connected with love.  I am very honored to be a minute part of that.  I was worried that he had left so many desires unfulfilled, but after speaking with his family, I now know he really found himself in recent years.  His loss magnifies the reality that I have no idea what I want, or what I do want is overwhelmingly complicated to achieve and I don't know that I have the strength to pursue my desires.

Perhaps everything is still too raw.  There are still some loose strings to tie up, but I'm trying to go back to life.  After all, I have to go on living.  It is ultimately up to me to decide what to do with the time I have left.  I just don't know what to do with it.