Friday, October 7, 2011


Last night I went to a friend's house to go through some of my brother's things.  A couple days ago, I felt odd going through some personal items, trying to choose some trinket of his to hold on to.  Even then a close friend had to encourage me to take something home with me.  Last night, I was completely objective, deciding on an entire bin that would require closer examination than I had energy for.  It's mostly books, duplicates of items I already have, but there are notes and the like that need review.  It was strange in that I didn't feel overwhelmed by so much emotion as I had expected.  I felt guilty about that.

When we were done, I sat on my friend's porch thinking about that feeling.  Why wasn't I more sad?  Why wasn't I reacting much at all to this?  The events of the past two weeks are still very unreal to me.  It's like my brother has moved long distance, and I won't be seeing him for a while.  I believe firmly in reincarnation and I believe that those I have close ties to have been with me before or will be with me again.  I suppose it's desperately cliche but it does bring real comfort to me.  Don't get me wrong, I still miss him terribly, but this feels, at my core, to be a temporary situation.

When I got home, I took a long, hot shower.  For the first time in weeks I felt eerily calm.  I felt the stress and anger and sadness release from my body.  And all I could do was smile.  I didn't feel any guilt or sadness, just the release and I allowed myself to melt into the sensation.

At the same time, my future still feels dark.  Not dark in a doomsday, foreboding way, but as if I just walked into a room and need to turn on the light.  Whereas earlier this week I felt anxious and panicked about what would unfold, I now feel curious.  I don't know what the future brings, but I'm returning to a contentedness about letting it unfold around me.  I don't always need to have a direction to move forward.  I don't always need an end-goal to pursue my happiness or to feel like I'm growing.  I simply need to live in whatever way I find most fulfilling.  Perhaps I may at times have some path I must dedicate myself to, perhaps I may not.  Maybe I will change my mind, over and over again.  I'm allowed to do that, as long as I love how I'm living, it doesn't matter.

I need to exist here, in the present.  Not dwell in the past or a wishful or unlikely future.  Right now is what is important and the only time when I can really effect change in my life.  I know there are bad days ahead, they cannot be avoided, but there are good days on the horizon too, with good people, and fabulous new memories yet to be formed.  So for now, I remain hopeful.

No comments: