Let's Be Honest

I am not handling things well.  I'm barely sleeping.  My work ethic is suffering.  Every part of my body is revolting against every waking hour.  I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I'm sad, and I really wants the headaches to go away.

When you're not looking, I'm falling to pieces.  When all the doors are closed and no windows betray me, I cry in silence.  I grasp onto things made of light to give me something to be cheerful about, and they turn to dust in my hands.

Nothing is permanent, consciousness is an illusion.  I know these feelings will pass.  Wounds will heal.  Anger will subside.  The problem with living in the present is not knowing when the darkness will pass; knowing that the darkness will pass is not enough when you're in pain.  I know I'm being dramatic, but this is how I am feeling.

When you ask me how I'm doing, I'm probably going to lie.  I will tell you "I'm fine" or "I'm doing okay."  Maybe I'll rattle off some insignificant minutiae or question to distract from the subject.  Don't read this and then push me into telling you how I'm really doing.  If I need to talk, I will most certainly let you know in a direct and obvious manner.  I need to move on, live on, and if I have to "fake it to make it" until I can properly bumble along, then I ask you to please humor me.  If I'm distracted, I don't need to be reminded.  I don't need to be mothered, I already have one of those and that's quite enough.  At the same time, I don't need you to protect me from the big, scary world.  Despite my physical stature, I assure you that I'm a grown up and quite capable of making my own decisions about what I can and can't handle.  I promise I will let you know when I can't handle something in a direct and obvious manner.

Having dispensed with all of that melodramatic bullshit, I  am trying.  Other than a few days of forced isolation due to an unrelenting migraine, I've been trying to spend time with close friends.  I have found renewed interest in cleaning out a bunch of my useless stuff in order to beckon fresh energy for new opportunities into my life.  I have been trying to get in a few hours of extra work to catch up on so many of the projects that have been left behind due to my absence or the eternally changing priority list not according to me.  I've also been trying to mentally prepare for my upcoming journey to the United Kingdom that I am very much looking forward to (despite the initiating circumstances).

I still don't know what I want to do with myself in a greater sense.  For the moment, I'm resigned to the possibility I may never know.  I'm more concerned with what I am doing right now.  That meant this past weekend I suffered from a lot of restlessness.  I wanted to spend some time reading and in meditation, but there was too much commotion and chaos and movement in the house.  I wanted stillness, couldn't find it and so busied myself finishing up several knitting projects (I've been a knitting machine the last couple weeks).

Nothing is permanent.  Change is the only constant.  Things will get better.  Things will get worse.  The unknown will manifest, and then it will fade.  I'm a worrier.  I stress out and make contingency plans.  I dwell on the what-ifs, and I let my anger get the best of me.  On the same coin, I am hopelessly and ridiculously optimistic.  I don't let the little things consume or dissuade me.  I am passionate and focused.  And even when the ground is bloodied and all seems lost, the sun dawns again giving life to a new day, new opportunities, and the chance to leave behind the dark...if even for a moment.

And I live and love.