Indecision

Life certainly is a process, isn't it?

As I've mentioned, ad nauseum, been doing a lot of "house" cleaning the last few months.  As I've been making space to change, opportunities that I feel are in line with my desires and values have been rushing in to fill the space.  It's been amazing and overwhelming at the same time.

It's also been really hard as I let go of things that I love and have loved but no longer fit into my life as well as they once had.  From things to people, the experience has been heartbreaking as well as uplifting.  If my life had a flavor, it would be "bittersweet."  Maybe a little salty, too.

There are some things I still hold on to that I can't let myself release, even though it would probably be a major benefit to do so.  For as much space as I have created, I still crave more.  For all the fresh air I've been taking in, I am still suffocating.  I have this uncomfortable sense that I am running out of time.

Among certain friends, there has been a long-standing joke that I am decisive, but when it comes to making major life decisions I hate committing to one path over another.  I'm afraid if I choose something, I'll miss something else.  As a result, I often miss both completely due to extreme indecision or my experience with either is so full of distractions, I miss it anyway.  I've lived a life as though no experience is better than making the wrong choice.

I'm finally starting to see that in itself is the wrong choice.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, and I don't know how to go about breaking bad habits and insufferable patterns I can see but seem powerless (unwilling?) to change.  I need space but I'm afraid of the emptiness it brings.  What would life be like with real change?

I desperately want things to be different, but in order for that to happen I need to commit to be different.