Willpower

Willpower is always something I've been rather weak in, especially when it comes to myself.  Sometimes reluctantly and sometimes happily I'll lose control on the request, the push, the bare nudge of another.  Ultimately the decision is mine to stray from whatever course I've haphazardly decided to be on, but even when I really want to be on some wagon, it seems impossible to keep hold for long.

Last week, I talked about starting over and paring the unnecessary elements from my life.  It's not really "starting over" so much as it is picking myself up off the floor and resuming work I started two years ago.  My 20s overall have not been happy years, but I woke up and started working on taking charge of that.  So while the last two years have been eye-opening and mostly satisfying, I have bad days, lots of bad days.  The last two months in particular have been exceedingly hard.  It seemed like everything was working in tandem against me.  I wrote a post a month ago about expectations, but it never made it to the blog, at least not yet.  Mostly it was my expectations that weren't being fulfilled, and so I've been reflecting on how to communicate my needs better to those that matter and likewise ease my expectations on outcomes.

Last week was the lowest I've been at in awhile.  I felt like I had completely and utterly lost all control over myself.  I was ashamed that over the years I had flitted it all away to others, here and there, leaving none to myself.  I worried that trying to enact change was a hopeless endeavor; I couldn't take anything on and see it through.

And then something happened.

I called bullshit on myself.

It's a weird kind of epiphany.

I have seen quite a many things through in a very short amount of time.

• I successfully quit smoking while living with a smoker and surrounding myself with mostly smokers for friends.
• I finished an Associates and Bachelors degrees while going to work full time and without any breaks.
• I got myself into over $20,000 in debt and got myself out in less than five years by rigorously saving and paying off my balances fully.
• After debt episode, I maintained a lower standard of living to rigorously save and purchase my first home.  I've maintained a lower standard of living continually (not making frivolous purchases, not increasing my debt-load for the sake of having new things, etc).
• I'm still living and breathing and enjoying my life.

I've completed a number of goals and projects and accomplished a number of minor things not worth listing here, but I think I've made my point. I'm currently working on a plan that would have my student loans (currently over $50K) paid off and a significant chunk of my mortgage paid down in five years.

So for some odd reason, I decided to challenge myself.  Just a short challenge, just to see if I can stick to something I put my mind to.

I decided to go pescatarian for a week.  That's vegetarian with some fish, dairy, and eggs.

And I did it!

I only had fish in two meals over the whole week, so it's not like I was just replacing chicken/beef/bacon with fish.  It was surprisingly easy, too.  Now, I wasn't counting calories or trying to graze strictly rabbit food for weight loss purposes (one of the evenings included dinner at John's Incredible Pizza and I didn't eat from the salad bar).  But I did eat less overall.  I was satiated much more quickly and my blood sugar levels have been much more controlled.  I slept easier and I didn't experience much in the way of pain flare ups (I've been able to stop the low-dose medication I was taking for both).  I feel generally more relaxed and a lot less physical discomfort.

I'm proud of myself for accomplishing the task I set for myself.  Since I feel so good physically, I've decided to continue through another week and I'm seriously considering maintaining this lifestyle indefinitely, but with some caveats (generally, when I am a guest, I will try to eat what is prepared for me, but I will make recommendations if asked).  

So no more excuses.  I can accomplish what I set my mind to and I'm the only one who ever really gets in my way.  I'll have my power back now, thankyouverymuch!